How to be ... an advisor to Michael Jackson

The king of pop needs a friend. Someone to hold his hand when it shakes. Someone to hold his hair back when he's sick. Someone to, very gently, remould his nose when the hot, hot tears melt his philtrum. You must be skilful in the lost art of moonwalking, and you must be able to count up to seven million. You must be good at clearing up messes. When you hear Jacko's murmur, muffled by an abaya, as he agrees to remake Thriller with the cast of High School Musical, you do an anti-gravity lean (lik...

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